jKenny Hanna had found out where Lord Myers was hiding, but he wasn't going to disclose where he was at in case any Umpa Lumpas decided to read what was being wrote right now. All that he was going to say was that he needed a plane ticket to somewhere in France. He thought about that for a minute and decided it wasn't a good idea because he couldn't get that many weapons on a plane. He then decided it would be best if he just take his own Super Jet of Destruction and fly to France. That way he could take as many weapons of destruction as he wanted. He began to load up his plane later that day. He put loads of machine guns and magnums and desert eagles and AK-47's and tons of other guns he wasn't going to use, but was bringing them along just to show what he was made of. Then he loaded the plane with weapons of torture. He grabbed pliers, blowtorchs, whips, chains, dry ice, hot sauce, and his personal favorite: the nutcracker. Finally, he was almost ready to go. The last thing he loaded into his Super Jet of Destruction was 4  power napalm missles, which were going to start the party of disaster. He shut everything up and locked up his home and special garden(he didn't want anyone stealing his private stash of goodies) and was set to go on his way after he checked to make sure he had enough gas to make it across the Atlantic Ocean. He started up his Super Jet and started to take off. He was starting to pick up speed when a squirrel ran out in front of him (cause squirrels are always seeing how many things they can make crash). This caused him to swerve, pop a tire, and hit a tree, which ripped one of his wings off. The Super Jet of Destruction became the Super Jet of Disfunction. The squirrel got away unscathed and ran away. Kenny Hanna was pissed. What was he going to do now? He wanted to go and hunt down Lord Myers, but he decided that he now had other plans. He was going to hunt down a little squirrel instead. He grabbed a laser sighted crossbow, 5 grenades, a .44 magnum and a bowie knife. He got out of his jet and began walking in the direction that he seen the squirrel run. He soon would be having squirrel stew. Lord Myers would have to wait another day.

Next: part 4

   (The show starts out like every other show: with Ed Sunday coming out to a weird ass song, dancing like there is no tomorow. This time, the song was " I saw daddy kissing Santa Clause", by Dr. Demento.) (because of last shows manslaughter massacre, which it was being called, there was no audience, but because the show was still taped for tv and ratings were really high because a lot of sick freaks watch this show, everything that was planned for the show went on that day. Ed Sunday came out and started the show.) Hello everyone and welcome to the Ed Sunday Show. Today we have a very specialshow for you. I think everyone watching will get a kick out of it. Today I have 3 lucky guests who will get the chance of a lifetime. They will get a chance to win an all expense pre-paid vacation to Hawii. It will be for 4 days and on the last day you get a special surprise send-off. To do this however, the contestants have to spin the Wheel of Terror. On the wheel are ten spaces, 1 being the the vacation and 9 others that are horrible terrors no man can stand. The 9 horrible terrors are as follows:

1. Having your toe nails ripped off with a pair of pliers
2.  Humped by a 500 lb Gorilla with a 17 in. Penis
3. Buried alive in a coffin full of fire ants
4. Getting your arms chooped off with an ax and then be repeatedly slapped in the face with them
5. Listening to Trevor Dunlap talk non-stop, for an hour
6. Having all your nose hairs tweezed
7. Having your eye lids burned off with a cigarette
8. Drinking a glass of your own urine because whatever happens to you will make you piss your pants
9. Getting hooked up to the brand new self mutalation machine 5000

   Those are the 9 horrible terrors that wait for the contestants should they fail to win the vacation. Ok folks, Lets meet contestant numero uno. His name is John and he is from Hicksvile, Kentucky. He is single and has never been kissed because he has the gum Disease known as your to ugly to kiss, you fucken hick. Everyone please welcome John. ( John comes out) Ok, John just spin the wheel without talking to me because you have really bad breath. (John spins the wheel) Round and round it goes, where it stops nobody knows, except for me(Sunday stops the wheel on number 7.) Oh i'm so sorry John, but I have decided that you are just to damn smelly and ugly to play and you need to have your eye lids burned off. (Sunday puts duct tape over John's Mouth) Just in case you try to talk or scream(Bob and Leroy come and take John away.) Poor John, he never had a chance. Lets meet contestant numero dos. His nameis Paul and he has nothing left to live for unless he gets this vacation. So, wishing him the very best, lets meet Paul. (Paul comes out) Alright Paul, please spin the wheel. Paul said," ok" and began to spin the wheel. Sunday immediantely stopped the wheel and Said," Ithought I told you before the show to not say any words. That's it you lose. Game over for you. I will pick you terror. Bob! Leroy! Take him to the 500lb Gorilla." "noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo", screamed Paul. Now for the last contestant, said Sunday, Greg. Greg, come on out here. Ok, spin the wheel Greg.(Greg spins the wheel and it lands on the vacation) Well, well, well, we havea winner finally. Greg didn't talk and he wasn't very ugly and he tempted fate and won, so he gets to go on the grand prize vacation. So folks Ihoped you enjoyed todays show. So long and tune in next time for a great surprise.

( Greg got to take a great vacation to Hawaii. He had a glorious time there and thought that the food and the hula dancers were the best part of the trip. The weather was also very nice and the sites were unbelieveable. When it was all said and done and time to go home, Greg got his special send off. He was kidnapped by the local tribe, and thrown into the volcanoe to please the local gods.)

( Paul found a reason to live. He now has a life partner. He and Chubby the Gorilla have been together since the end of the show and are now planning on adobting a child and moving to Venice Beach, California in the spring.)

( John had his eye lids burned off, how the fuck do you think he feels?)

Next:episode 5

   (Taking place right after the Burkhart trial when Burkhart was stolen) What had just happened? That's what President Slusher had thought when he had seen what had just happened. A giant robot thing just crashed in, killed Aunt Jemima, and almost everybody else and stolen Josh Burkhart right out from under his nose. He too would have been dead if he had not jumped out of the way of a lazer that fried poor old Pop N' Fresh. What had happened just stunned the president so. This was not supposed to happen. He had come to see Burkhart get what he deserved. He was supposed to get eaten by Aunt Jemima and the Muffin Man because he bit the Muffin Man and made Aunt Jemima fat but no! That couldn't happen because everything Kevin wanted Kevin never got! It didn't seem fare. Burkhart was supposed to die. This angered President Slusher. Now he was pissed. He would track down whoever stole Burkhart and he would make sure that both of them would  get what they deserved, but before that, even though he wanted to do it right now, he had to take care of one small task first.

   Before President Slusher could gain control of the world from Lord Myers and Give Burkhart what he deserves, he had to do a simple but not so easy task. Today was the day that he was to blow up Japan, Lord Myers home country. He was only going to blow up Japan because of Lord Myers. He hated Lord Myers and so far Lord Myers has been getting the best of him and he was not going to stand for it anymore. Literally, he sat down right before he was going to push the button. All he had to do was push the Big Red Button that said, "DO NOT PUSH!!!". Of course he wasn't going to follow the instructions because he wanted to destroy Japan.

   (A little background before we go on. Kevin Slusher in person is not a bad as person or as cruel a person as I make him out to be. If he was elected President of The United States and given complete and total control like he has in this story, he told me that he would do exactly the same thing that I am writing about. He would bomb all other countries, steal their oil, and take over the world with an evil cackling laugh. I guess if you look at it that way then, he really would be a tyrant and a bad person. Sorry for my mistake. He really is evil.)

   (back to the story) President Slusher pushed the button. The button then proceeded to drop numerous atom bombs all over the country of Japan.

   In Japan, people were calmly eating rice and harvesting rice from the rice field and making rice in pots and pans and selling the rice when all of a sudden a big explosion came and wiped out the whole country. People eating rice(which was everyone) never seen it coming. This atomic bombing inturn though, cooked all the rice in the whole country and spilled it into the sea. This caused all the sea creatures, especially the whales to get very fat from eating the the carbohydrates. Thus giving them tons of energy to fornicate. This caused the whale population to triple in size and now because of President Slusher, there are a lot of horny whales in the sea because we all know that rice is a powerful aphrodisiac to sea critters, most importantly whales.

   President Slusher laughed with glee. He would laugh for now, But when he finds out that the world is overun with horny whales, he won't be. Now he could get on with his life and hunt the two people he hated most, Burkhart and Lord Myers.

Next in Story: The Hunt For Burkhart

Next story: Ed Sunday Show (4) or The Fight fo the Blue Umpa Lumpa (part 2)

  Burkhart got kidnapped by a giant robot. That was the last thing he remembered when he regained consciousnes. It was pitch black and it felt like he was strapped to a cold metal table. He began to think of how he got to be into this situation. He started to remember some things. He remembered talking to a circus midget named Ralph who told him that he didn't know what was going on either and that he got captured while he was doing his famous stunt dive in front of thousands at "Silly Sammy's Silly Southpaw Circus." Burkhart then remembered if it wasn't for his little abduction, that he would have been eaten by a hungry Aunt Jemima. So even though that he was tied to a cold metal table and not being able to see anything but the pitch black darkness that was darker than a black hole, he was doing fine. He was afraid though that he might have to deal with the Jemima's Witnesses now that he got away unharmed and she died though.

   Burkhart was strapped to the cold metal table for 3 hours before anything happened to him. He was almost asleep, because what else was he going to do in the dark where he thought no one could see him(someone could), when he heard a suction cup sound creeping towards him. Burkhart began to get nervous. He wondered what was going to happen to him. He began to sweat bullets of butter. A light flicked on. All Burkhart could do was scream.

   The big red jello slime came closer to Burkhart. He was hungry and Lord Myers had found him a big fat tasty donut lover to scarf down and enjoy. Lord Myers was watching from above in a concealed room. He thought that this was going to be a good show. He wished the Jello Monster would hurry up though because he had other things to do like crash the Ed Sunday Show, so this thing better be one gulp and be done. Lord Myers flicked on the lights. Burkhart started screaming. The Jello Monster took one giant bite(because Burkhart was big) and that was that. The Monster had eaten Burkhart. Lord Myers laughed his evil laugh. That was good for a few seconds of entertainment he thought. The Jello Monster also was in a good mood. Eating that much, he was full and wouldn't be eating for a very long time. Just then the lights went out.

   Lord Myers was laughing and went to shut the lights off. Little did he know that he had a glass of water sitting on the control panel. When he went to flick the switch he spilled it all over the control panel. This caused him to get electrocuted and knocked unconcious by the electric current. The Ed Sunday Show lived on for another day.

   Later that night, the Jello Monster got a really bad tummy ache, so he went and sat in his chamber to get some rest. A few hours later he had to get up and use the potty. He got up and went to take a step. He immediantly fell down. He looked down at his feet and then let out a loud roar as he realized one of his legs was missing. That's when he saw it. He saw a crazed lokoing burkhart sitting in the corner licking his lips. " Eat me huh" ,said Burkhart," I'll show you who's hungry", and in less than 10 minutes, Burkhart had eaten 2,437 lbs of pure Strawberry (the jello monster was red) Jello Monster and 1,000 pieces of toast to go with it. Boy was he full. Now all Burkhart had to do was find a way out of this place wherever the hell he was at.

   Lord Myers was still unconscious and it looked like no one was going to find him soon because he told no one what he was doing that morning. As for other things he didn't know about, The Umpa Lumpas and Kenny Hanna were still coming to get him and Trevor was still wandering around in the Castle. Blue and Ralph were still going to try and escape and to make matters worse Burkhart was now also loose in the castle. What more could go wrong?

Next in Series: Unamed Burkhart story                                                                

Next Story: The Tyrancy of Kevin Slusher.

   After Ralph and the Blue Umpa Lumpa had run off, Ralph quickly stopped to catch thier breath. Ralph said," I'm glad he didn't chase us or we could have fallen down because were so tiny". The Blue Umpa Lumpa just shrugged and looked at Ralph like he was a moron. There was no way he would have fallen down. Ralph must just be a sissy midget thought Blue. The Blue Umpa Lumpa then said," hurry up you little pussy. We gots to escape before we get caught again". Raplh and the Blue umpa Lumpa kept going until they got to a door that had loud music coming from it. So being curious little midgets, they opened the door. Inside they saw something that about made them vomit. They saw Lord Myers drinking a Bud and smoking a cigar, while table dancing to the song " I'm to Sexy" and a bunch of monkey scientists watched him with their mouths full of bananas. They seemed to be having such a good time that they didn't even notice Blue or Ralph, Whom snuck away quickly after what they had seen. Ralph and Blue continued down the corridor. They saw many doors along the way, but after seeing what was behind one door, they were afraid to open another one. Finally, Ralph got bored and decided to risk opening one of the doors, no matter what weird thing was going on behind them. Ralph opened the door and .... nothing happened. Nothing weird was going on. All that was behind the door was a hot air balloon. Blue's eyes lit up. He had an idea. They would use the Balloon to escape. All they had to do was figure out how to run the controls, which was easy because all you had to do was pull a cord and light a torch, and figure out how to open the hatch in the ceilinng. Ralph and Blue started to look around the room and found a control panel that said "hatch release". They pressed it. The hatch in the ceiling opened. Then they found the gas nozzle for the balloon and turned it on. They then took a giant match they found in the room and lit the torch that makes the balloon rise. They were about to get ready for take off, when from inside the balloon basket, out popped Mickey Mouse. He said, " thanks for getting that ready for me fellas. I just couldn't figure out those darn controls and get this thing moving. See you later you suckers. Go burn in hell! Ahahahahahahahahaha (evil laugh)". Blue didn't think so. Neither did Ralph. They both jumped at the balloon as it was floating away and caught the bottom with their little fingers. They climbed up and tried to get in the basket, but Mickey kept hitting at their fingers with a hammer that he had on board (how weird?). But he could not keep up with both of them for long and when he was trying to keep Ralph off the balloon, Blue jumped into the basket and tackled him. They both rolled around on the floor throwing punches until Ralph jumped into the basket and took Mickey's hammer (which he had dropped when Blue tackled him) and bashed Mickey in the head until he was brain dead. Blue and Ralph then took his body and tossed him overboard back into the building below. The two midgets had thought they had escaped and talked about what they would do when thye got back home. Blue said that he was going to take over the Wonka Chocolate Factory and make the best candy in the world. Ralph said he was going to perform the most miraculous stunts a circus midget had ever performed. They laughed at the thought of being free again and they were all smiles. That was until they heard something flying towards them. It was a giant dart. There was no way they could stop it. They had to do the only thing they could do. They had to pull on the torch and move out the way, but would it move them out of the way fast enough. While they were thinking about this, the giant dart hit them and the balloon exploded. Ralph and Blue tumbled towards the earth at tremendous speeds. They landed with a CRASH! in the water (apparently the castle was on an island duh and the dart was from a castle guard that saw them escaping duh). Then a boat with three men came and got Blue and Ralph, who were both unconscious, and took them back to the castle. So the title of this story is wrong. They didn't escape. They almost did, but they didn't. Surprise ending huh. They are now back in the cage from where they started from and are still knocked out, but are still alive. They killed Mickey, but they survive a 300 foot drop. What a jip.

Next: The Fight for the Blue Umpa Lumpa part 2

     (Trevor had just opened door number one) When Trevor looked inside the door he saw a spiral staircase. He went down the staircase to investigate. The closer Trevor got to the bottom, the more he heard voices. When he got to the bottom, he saw a tiny blue man with green hair. It was the mysterious Blue Umpa Lumpa (gasp). Lord Myers had caputured him. Actually he had Stanley Livingston do it for him , but Lord Myers took all the credit as usual. The reason that Trevor heard voices was because the Blue Umpa Lumpa was not alone. In the cage with him was a circus midget named Ralph. He was a circus midget from Jersey and was doing a show when Lord Myers kidnapped him. Ralph was talking to the Blue Umpa Lumpa about their escape. Trevor watched and listened with intent. He didn't let his presence be known yet because he wanted to hear what they had to say. The plan of the two little people was to slowly but surely spit on the cage bars and the acid in the spit would eat away at the bars. That was their plan until Trevor came out from hiding and unlocked the cage because he thought it was the lamest plan he had ever heard. Both the Blue umpa Lumpa and Ralph were shocked by their goofy looking stranger. Then Raplh laughs and whispers something into Blue's ear. Trevor wonders what the midget said. Ralph, reading Trevor's mind, says, " I said, I bet this guy is a Smurf fucker. You better cover your ass too cause your blue". Then the Blue Umpa Lumpa and Ralph ran down a corridor before he could do anything about it. He was going to chase them, but he decided not to because he thought he would shake the ground when he ran and the midgets would fall over because they were so tiny. Trevor walked back up the stairs. He wondered how the midget knew that he was a Smurf fucker and then he felt a tug on his zipper. It was his penis. It was hanging out and to his surprise it was the color blue. He carefully zipped up so he wouldn't have any accidents like getting the beans above the frank. Trevor got to the top of the stairs and decided that if he found two midgets in one door, what would he find in another door? Trevor went to door number 2. To be continued.....

Next: part 7

       The factory was in shambles. Taking out the chocolate line pretty much crippled the business. The factory had to shut down for the first time in seven years. The last time it shut down was because an Umpa Lumpa fell into the candy crusher and everyone got the day off to attend his closed casket ( because nobody wanted to see his bloody crushed body) funeral. This time though, the factory was shut down because of vengence. It was because of a thief. It was because of S. Livingston (Stanley Livingston). Clyde had seen it on his name tag right before he snatched Blue and hauled him away in a black van that had " Look, My Yak's Erection is Really Strong", on the side. Those were his clues. They didn't really help much though, because Clyde had no idea who S. Livingston was or know anything about yak's erections. So, with nothing else to do, Clyde called an emergency meeting of all the Umpa Lumpas. He could do this since he was the interim leader while Blue was away. He got to be the leader because he broke another Umpa Lumpas neck in a fight by accident and everyone thought he was a bad ass. The only reason he wasn't the leader is because Blue was the color Blue and everyone thought that it was cool that he was the only Blue Umpa Lumpa and he was a major bad ass. Plus Clyde was afraid of Blue because Blue was mean to Clyde growing up (if that's what you want to call it since they are really tiny orange midgets with green hair, except for Blue who was blue). So on to the meeting. The first thing to do was simple. Save their asses from the chocolate factory that was on fire from the explosion that got the attention of Willy Wonka. So all the little Umpa Lumpas scrambled around to put out the fire. It proved more difficult than anyone imagined. Who would have thought that chocolate was fuel to a fire? Well, after 4 dead Umpa Lumpas, 10 third degree burns, tons on melted chocolate and 3 and a half days later, the fire was out. Now they could move on to the real problem, How do they find and rescue Blue? Clyde started by asking questions and to see what ideas the other lumpas had in mind. The conversation lasted for 5 days, 14 hours, 34 minutes, and 17 seconds. A lot of things were discussed. Some Lumpas wanted revenge and were preparing for war. Others were still hung up on being slaves and wanted Blue to burn in the chocolate vat of hell. Others still were just to afraid and said that they were not really a fighting people and that's why they had been slaves for so long. One wanted to know when the stripper was coming. Clyde said, "sometime next week, but now is neither the time nor the place to talk about that yet". Finally after all that was discussed, Clyde and the Umpa Lumpas all came to an agreement. The plan was that they would go and save Blue if they could find him and then they would bring him back here to the facotry and turn him into a blueberry. So all the Umpa Lumpas gathered all the stuff that they thought that they needed for a war. They took things like Berry Blasters, Licorice Lassos, Marshmellow Mines, Grape Grenades, Berry Bombs,Jello Javalins, Strawberry Shooters,Candy Catapults, Shocktart Stingers and a secret weapon called " Chocolate Catastrophe". After they had all that they needed, Clyde and the Umpa Lumpa army and set off to look for clues to the whereabouts of the legendary Blue Umpa Lumpa. To be Continued.....

Next: part 2

   Mexican-American war hero Kenny Hanna lived on a big ranch in Texas(where at you ask? Well i'm not telling now, but pay attention in a future story and it just might slip out). The ranch had tons of cattle, sheep, pigs, ducks, and chickens. He also ran his own food processing plant, so he was very wealthy because he sold all his animal meat products to places all over the world and in turn he made all his own food. It wasn't just meat either. He also had a garden with corn, potatoes, carrot, cabbage, green beans, squash, peppers, and tomatoes. Plus he had a secret garden which no one ever had seen except for him and a few very close friends. He also sold some of those products from his secret garden. He had a very big house, but he had no wife to keep in it. He was a player though and that never stopped him from having people sleep over(wink wink). He was a war hero. He got The Medal of Honor for saving ten of his squad members from an Iraqi ambush(sorta like a Forrest Gump thing, only it's in the Cold War not the Vietnam War). He had a couple of war wounds for his heroics. He has a bum knee that stiffens up whenever he sees an episode of bonanza and he gets tears in his eyes everytime his beloved Miami Dolphins lose a football game. Other than that he is a pretty normal guy. He still has nightmares from the war. None worse than anyone else. Yep he was pretty normal. Oh and one last thing. He had shed with full of weapons and explosives and Lots and lots of money from all different kinds of countries and a whole secret lab full of computers and crap to find out anything that he needs to know and right now he was using it to find and hunt down Lord Myers. He was in the shed even as I write this line describing where he is at. Kenny Hanna was a coming for Lord Myers. Now all he has to do is find him.

Next: part 3

   Somewhere in Texas, there lived a Mexican-American war hero named Kenny Hanna. He had followed up on all the going ons in the world, like Lord Myers devious plans and the whole Burkhart fiansco when Burkhart bit the Muffin Man and even the takeover of the Wonka Chocolate Factory. He had followed it all and he was sick of it. All it was in the news was Lord Myers this or Burkhart ate that or that they were coming close to a cure for cancer and he was sick of it all. He was tired of everyone else making news in world and not him. It was time for a Mexican-American war hero named Kenny Hanna to be recognized and start making some news of his own. His first goal..... find Lord Myers and capture and torture him just for the hell of it and then he would kill him. He had to go and get ready. Hell was coming for Lord Myers(and Josh Burkhart, but i haven't written that yet. besides Burkhart has already been the pun of stories in which it seems that he may already be in hell and has been for a long time).

Next: part 2